Embracing a heartbreak..

it’s always a terrible time mending a broken heart.. you go through stages one after another, and you feel all kinds of emotions, one, too many, you just cant explain anymore..  you’re lost and confused.. and no matter how hard you try to understand what just happened, you end up lost and confused even more so. no one has ever said that it was easy, and it’s never fun to go through. but eventually, just like any other heart ache and disappointments you’ve had in your life,,, THIS TOO SHALL PASS. or at least you think it would.

it’s day 13th. almost two weeks. the first week were the worst. the pain was too much, too real, it felt like i was dying slowly, painfully, i couldn’t bear. but the weeks passed, and i’m still here. And although i’m still broken, i know that things will get better. there are days when i feel like my heart can take anything.. i feel braver, stronger, lighthearted.. And i praise God and thank Him when i’m in those days, and i praise Him, none the less, and thank Him even more during the worse times because in my weakness, i was brought closer to Him. His grace was transcending, He gives me inner peace despite of the pain.

So, for all those who have lost, who were disappointed.. who’s hearts are breaking… Be thankful that it happened… take courage in embracing the pain, hold on to it until you’re ready to let go. For in these time of weakness, you are made strong.  In the end, no matter what happened, things always work out for the best…

“My Grace is enough for you; for My strength and power are made perfect and show themselves most effective in weakness.  Therefore, i will all the more gladly glory in my weakness and infirmities that the strength and power of Christ rest upon me” - 2 corinthians 12:9 

Gravity - Sara Bareilles

compulsive contemplating

Sa panahon na lumilipas, na wari mo’y maraming pagbabago, nagbago, at nagbabago sa paligid mo, pero sa sarili mo, parang walang nangyayari, parang walang nagbabago.. kung sakaling meron man, siguro gawa na lang din ng pagbabago na nasa paligid mo.  Eka nga, kelangan mo kasing matutong magadopt sa mundo ginagalawan mo.  Pero yung totoo, hindi ito un pagbabagong hinahanap mo para sa sarili mo, hindi ito yung pagbabagong ginusto mo. nagbabago ka dahil wala kang choice, dahil wala kang magawa, dahil lahat ng bagay at one point ay kelangang mabago.  Nakakainis dahil madalas ganon ang nangyayari sa buhay ko. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na parang hindi ka nabibigyan ng pagkakataon, parang wala kang sariling isip dahil nadadala ka na lang ng pagbabago ng mundo. Siguro may kahinaan din talaga ko, madalas walang lakas ng loob, mukhang matapang, pero ang totoo duwag, ang totoo, hindi ko kayang mapagisa. At dahil hindi ko kayang magisa, kelangan kong sabayan yung pagbabago sa paligid ko, kelangan kong pakisamahan ang bawat isa, kelangan kong tanggapin na sunod-sunuran lang ako sa mundong ginagalawan ko. Kaya siguro nafufrustrate ako. Kasi wala akong kontrol sa sarili kong buhay. wala akong kontrol sa mga bagay na gusto kong gawin, vs sa mga bagay na nangyayari sa paligid ko. hindi ko pwedeng sabay na gawin ang gusto ko, at sundan ang galaw ng nasa paligid ko, kase paano kung magkaiba sila ng direksyon? paano kung dun sa gusto mong pagbabago, marami kang masasaktan, marami kang mapapabayaan, marami kang isasakripisyo, paano ka magiging masaya kapag yun ang pinili mo? Pero, paano ka din magiging masaya kung yung isang direksyon ang pipiliin mo? Yung direksyong ginusto ng mundong ginagalawan mo, yung bagay na kahet hindi mo gusto, pero dahil marami ang may gusto, marami ang gumagawa, maraming masaya, kahet hindi mo naintindihan, kahet hindi mo masabayan, pipilitin mo na lang para hindi komplikado. Magulo ba? Ewan ko din, isa lang ang alam kong sigurado ko.. pagod na ko sa ganitong buhay. 

we all lost touch..

Strange how life have a way of coming together and falling apart.  You meet people along the way, strangers have become people you get to know, people you like, people you love and care about, and people who have suddenly become a part of your life. But sometimes, we lost touch..and sooner or later things are different. People have turned into someone that you used to know, stranger as it seems, sometimes, they could turn into someone that you hate. And it’s sad when it happens. Sometimes, i think, it’s inevitable, sometimes i think, it isn’t fair, that it isn’t right. But then when you get to that place, you think that sometimes, maybe, that’s just how things are supposed to be. Because sometimes things happen that you can’t help, sometimes it leaves you with no choice, and when it does, sometimes you chose to just forget what life used to be, what you used to have, what it feels like being around the person, you chose to forget what you had, and move on with your own life…and things get stranger everytime.  And you wonder, what if you hadn’t met these people? what if they havent been a part of your life? what would it be like? then you wonder why? why did you meet the person, why did you became friends, or lovers, or why did life betrayed you and let that person in yours. why did you fall out? It’s not like the person betrayed you, used you, or lied and cheated on you and you were hurt so bad. Everybody hurts. It’s when you give up and decided that you have had enough. And if that is the case, then the answer is simple, it’s either you leave, or the person leaves. Either you’ve changed, or the other person changed… or maybe because the world is constantly changing, therefore, nobody stays the same. Therefore, nothing stays the same…      

Pieces of you..

is what i’ll hold on to.

when the times gets tough.. when my luck runs dry-state of shock

never say never - the fray

Some things we don’t talk about
better do without
just hold a smile
we’re falling in and out of love
the same damn problem

don’t let me go,
don’t let me go,
don’t let me go,
don’t let me go,
don’t let me go,

life sucks.

i’ve probably screwed everything somewhere and now there’s no way back. I’m trapped in a hole, this inescapable hole where i succumb in darkness and i can smell my desperation.  i need to get out of here.  where ever here is.

the Big LIE

All of your life, you’ve been lied to.

Of course, when you actually look at the world around you, you may see something entirely different.

Beneath the thin veneer of civilization lies a howling madness.. trouble.. problems.. tribulations.  And you probably have been told about these thing before.. And the world may have told you that this too shall pass, and that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle in life.” which is probably the biggest lie ever told.. coz if you look closely inside your own misery and those of others… God has given us more than we could handle that makes us totally broken.

Truth be told..you have no loving God watching over you, making sure you get what you need. You don’t get what you need in life, you don’t get what you want, you don’t get what you deserve. You get what you get.

500 DAYS OF SUMMER…

“it’s not a love story..it’s a story about a boy meets girl. The boy tom hansen who grew up to believe that he would never be truly happy until the day he met “the one.” The girl, summer finn, did not share this belief. You should know upfront that this is not a love story.“

500 days of magic, of distance, of tenderness.
500 days of intimacy, of awkwardness, of passion.
500 days of fury, of extacsy, of uncertainty, of Summer.

This is long overdued. haha! Finally i had the chance to watch this movie yesterday on dvd…and i lavet!!! i love the soundtrack and i find the whole movie really funny. it was a story about love and how it can fail. You know, a love story defly built on unrequitted love.. confusing, devious, desperate. A story about the girl of his dreams/or boy of her dreams stuck on friends-with-benefits mode. ahahah! The plot truly capture the heartache of reality hitting a person who sees another person through the filter of some deep-seeded emotions… it was painfully funny. And the Smith’s lyrics of there’s a light that never goes out, “To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.” is just perfect. i love smiths na din… Anyway.. The movie constantly reminds you that these are two different people with different ideas of a relationship, how hard can it be to be hopelessly falling for someone while the other person is not falling for you? bitchy. i was totally feeling this at the moment. and i was kind of intrigue about the scene where summer mentioned sid and nancy. i’ve thought who are these people? later on as i googled my way to it i found out that sid vicious is a punk rockstar from the 70’s and nancy was a groupie of his band who won his heart..yada, yada, and as they’re story goes sid stabbed nancy to death. how romantic eh? hehe.. and for a moment there i thought just because i couldn’t get into someone’s head, i suddenly wanted to be sid vicious and who will be my nancy? guess who?? haha.. just the thought of him makes me cringe with pain in my tummy and i want to stab him with sumthing rusty and hope he’d die slowly and painfully. haha..bitterness!! bite me hah!! 

anyway,

how about some memorable lines from the movie?

here’s one, the part where the two were at the bed section of a home depot and tom says to summer, “er,honey, i think we have some chinese family in our bathroom..” hahaha! funny.  

more memorable lines:

Summer: I love The Smiths.

Tom: [removing his headphones] Sorry?

Summer: I said I love The Smiths. You–you have a good taste in music.

Tom: You like The Smiths?

Summer: Yeah. “To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.” I love ‘em.

[Summer steps off the elevator)

Tom: Holy shit.

Summer: “Today, you’re a man. Mozeltoff on your bar mitzvah.

Summer: Well, you’re a, perfect adequate greeting card writer.

Tom: Thank you. That was actually my nickname in college. They called me perfectly adequate Hansen.

Summer: They used to call me anal girl.

[Tom spits out the champagne]

Summer: I was very neat and organized.

Summer: [laughing] No I’m not a lesbian. I just, don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually feel comfortable being anyone’s anything.

Summer: Ok. I, like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later.

Tom: It’s love, it’s not Santa Claus.

OHh shoot! i gotta go! need to watch sherlock holmes! yeahaw! catch up with the world later! xoxo

LSS..aheee!

i want you so badly it’s my biggest wish..

can you meet me half way right at the borderline

that’s where i’m gonna wait for you!

i’ll be looking out night and day

took my heart to the limit and this is where i stay..

ooh. i can’t go any further than this..

i want you so bad, it’s my ONLY wish!

can you meet me halfway?

Doctor, doctor, help me quick.

I’m kind of getting used to being in and out of a manic depressive state on a regular basis… Like feeling happy one moment, and all so sudden felt sad, as if a giant vacuum came in and suck the happy out of me. I know that this happens to almost everyone I knew or know of. Like it’s only normal that people get depressed, get crazy and do stupid things. It was probably just a state of mind, but when you couldn’t identify any reason to be sad and all wobbly, I know that there is something wrong. Well, women tried to call it PMS, professional have thought of it as some sort of chemical imbalance, and a happy pill would make it all better. But I know that this hole, this emptiness inside that is breaking my heart to pieces is nothing like a happy pill can make it all go away. It wasn’t like life has been such a pain in the ass. It’s nothing like trouble, or struggles in life, but more on a deeper, personal, and bigger existence. Like your personal thoughts, and the confusion as to what purpose it will serve to be, when you couldn’t find any reason why you’re still around. I’m not suicidal for any matter, but when you feel the loneliness despite having friends, family or lovers around, and still it doesn’t seem to suffice the loneliness inside. There’s always something missing. Something lacking that you could only hope you could identify what that is. I know I’m not alone at this, I know people who seemed to have everything in life but still wasn’t happy.  It may be a question of moral contentment, spiritual growth, or stability. I will admit I’m not religious; I’m a believer, although I’m not spiritual. There’s probably some truth to the notion that God is the answer to this confusion, but it doesn’t stop you from wondering further. But sometimes, it’s nothing like a simple answer that all you need is to pray, and know his existence, that when you do it religiously he will make your life better all the way, until you believe it actually, but one wrong step, one mistake and you’re back from where you’ve started. Lost, confused, and wondering further. May be until you realized it’s really not about God at all, it’s one’s soul in search of a higher purpose. Because we are made to be curious, our instinct is to seek what we can’t see, what we can’t have, what we can’t find. And we are made weak and fragile at this journey…