♥the ache in my heart..♥

January 30, 2008

last night i was having the usual late night chismis over the phone with a girl friend, while also on-line doing friendster updates, when i stumbled on my ex’s profile..my mind went completely and totally mad..my heart kind of went totally loopy as well when i found out about the news. good news for someone i used to love and hate, not so good of a news for me. oh well..At first, it was ok, i was acting a little jealous and bitter. but i was joking.. it wasn’t supposed to sound like i still cared, or whatever, but when i got off the phone, it suddenly hit me. i went hysterical at one point, kinda like i was having a mental breakdown and then my mind went blank for seconds, and went right back with an unexpected emotional turn..tears form behind my eyes for reasons that i can’t seemed to figure out.. i can’t talk my self out of it, i was having all these confusing emotions,so i called my bff and told her about it..we talked for hours and she was telling me it was only natural, that i’d still feel hurt after ages of being left unspoken for, but i was,, with all my fervent expectations, just disappointed with how i felt. Until later on, that i realized i was just being my usual impulsive self, i over-reacted about the news, but much to my surprize, although it does sucks, i was happy for him. it’s just that, from how we left things off, everything was just confusing.. even i had wondered, why after three years of being apart, and totally hating each other, i’d still get hurt..that i’d still care. and i really thought that, maybe i hadn’t really completely let him go..and why it kills me that I still miss him, even though in hindsight, I know he was all wrong for me..It’s a good thing my bestfriend knows me better than i know myself..she told me that i just haven’t reach a mental closure of us..it’s really complicated and that’s how i find myself dwelling in the past. This dwelling might be my mind’s way of attempting to make some sense of a situation that may make no sense at all..i was, if not so often, allowing myself to think of him, and think about how we used to be, the “what ifs” continually bombarded my mind taking it down dead end roads. Over and over i just find myself where i started – no closure– in sight. so that was all it was.. that i moved on without mental closure..and that’s how it gets confusing..i can’t help it if i’m acting like a jealous bitch?? i mean, when i see the way he lives,when i think about the life i could’ve given him..and the life that i have right now, specially now that it has been a little hard on me..i can’t accept that he’s doing pretty darn good without me, while i’m being unlucky these days..argh!! kakabitter diba.. i hate that things are going too well for him..it should’ve been me..la lang..hehehe..it’s kind of immature..but lets be honest, sometimes the hardest part in life is being happy for somebody else..the ache is something that takes your breath away..and that made sense to me..Apart from the fact that were not even friends anymore, we never talk to each other for years..and i’ve been dying to know if he ever thinks about a better way we could’ve ended us..maybe, it doesn’t matter anymore, but if this may be all that we are..there will always be an ache in my heart that i can only guess an explanation for..but you know, that’s just life right?? you lose some, you win some..and you get over it..

oh well..

since i’ve been left hangin’ forever..i don’t have any particularly good way to come to the close of things except maybe to thank the asshole for the memories…i’ll never forget it, and i hope he feels the same..lol!

 

~*♥~*♥~*~ 

note to self: You should just learn to let go. And I’m not talking about the person who sent my world spinning, I’m thinking about control..if you’re going through hell..just keep going..feel the sting, it’s suppose to hurt, but you get up and you continue breathing..♥ 

mental closure.

January 27, 2008

Question: how does one move forward without closure and not keep going back?

You want to move forward but something’s holding you back and you can’t seem to find an explanation for it. kind of like being stuck in reversed..  

  

  

nunal ng kapalaran o kalokohan?

i have a mole near my nose, it’s in the path where tears fall. And my mom, after years of absence in my life, eh ngayon lang napansin na may nunal ako dun..sabay humiret saken ng: "kaya pala dami ka frustrations sa buhay..!"

araykopo..ganon??

apparently, malas daw yung nunal kong yon, and she was very concern, she told me, i should have it removed.. well, para saken ok lang, basta sagot nya gastos, hehe. pero medyo natawa ko sa sinabi nya, Josko..kase naman, yung mom ko eh napakaraming mga paniniwala sa buhay.. sabi din nya saken dati, nung humihingi me ng money para process ng visa ko for dubai, kelangan daw magpahula muna ko..kase un pagaabroad nasa guhit ng kapalaran ng isang tao, at sabi nya pa, hinulaan daw sya dati, at sameng dalawang magkapatid, ang hula daw eh si bunso ang makakapag-abroad.. at isa pa, pag bibili ng sasakyan dapat papahula din..tapos nung bagong dating sya dito, yung mga plastic na plants and flowers and vines na pinadala nya dati, hala, pinagkakabit sa bawat sulok ng bahay namen, feng-shui churvaness daw..pati yung nakapatong na salamin sa cr na nakaharap sa pinto eh malas din daw.. Jusmiyo mamamiah..ewan ko kung san san nya yun natututunan.. well, siguro, sa tagal nya sa Japan, na-adopt na nya mga paniniwala ng mga hapon..hehe.

anyway..balik sa usapang nunal..out of curiosity, i searched the internet..

The Chinese believe moles can be lucky or unlucky depending on where they are located, what colour they are, and how large they appear in proportion to our body.

and according to the book Moles and their Meanings: 

… every mole upon the face of man or woman has upon some other portion of the body a corresponding birthmark, the position of which can generally be located with startling accuracy.

Until it was removed by surgery the singer Enrique Iglesias had a mole on his right cheek, near to his nose.What did it say about him? The mole was “honey-coloured” rather than black, and it appeared at position 54 in the face chart. Here’s what De Windt says about such a case:

Denotes misfortune, but only at an advanced age. Youth and middle age shall be peaceful and prosperous. This sign is specially favourable to the knowledge of secret and occult things - a marvellous and intuitive reader of human character.

also, i came across a Japanese proverb which got me really thinking:
"A child with a mole in the path of his tears is destined to lead a sorrowful life full of them."

why, i’ve one such mole, near my nose as i’ve mentioned earlier, and because, so far my life is going nowhere but down..down..down..how curious.

i must be silly to consider this whole thing to be true, but silly ideas are made no less silly because some gentlemen long deceased once wrote books about them..Japanese and Chinese people believed these things too, and my mom was right, i do have a lot of frustrations..and i’m getting desperate..it wasn’t like i haven’t been trying my best to make my life better, and like my mom used to say how hardwork is important to achieve my goals, i really think as well, that it is as important to be lucky. And as far as im concerned, lucky is something that i’m not getting lately..i’m beginning to think that perhaps my mole has something to do with it, and maybe, just maybe, getting rid of it will make life better. (right! im sounding more like being dellusional than desperate. ) hehe.. well, i should get it remove then..for a change..i mean, what’s the worst that can happen right? surgical pain is nothing compared to a life full of sorrow..whether you believe these things to be true or not, i think we should all make a point in future–just in case–you know what they say; good advise is always welcome..isn’t it? lol.

while some say that the moles on our bodies are in reality secret imprints carried over from our previous lives, stamps of some past karmic deed meant to ripen in this life, good as well as bad. Others contend that moles are messages of good fortune and misfortune that reflect important turning points of our life. Each noticeable mole on our body carries a hidden meaning, or depicts some secret obstacle or unexpected help from someone.

find this thought interesting? read more..

 

 

i got heath! dead heath! sniff..sniff

January 24, 2008

OMG..this is such a shocking news.

shocking and sad.. it was speculated that he OD-ied over prescribed and unprescribed drugs? i’m not really sure if there’s any truth to this.. i still cannot believe that his life would end this way., he seemed to be a good person..! whenever i get to see him on e! he’s such a gifted actor..and he’s so cute, and charming. he’s like the perfect guy, happy and cheerful and a loving hubby to her wife michelle adams and a loving pop to her daughter matilda rose.. i see pictures of them everywhere..he just doesn’t seemed like a depressive type..oh heath!!! youre just too good to be true..

  

Either that, or he’s a dead testimony of the saying.."the good dies young!" aww..im scared for myself now. (biro lang)…i cannot believe he’s gone..(close kame?) Waaah…why heath? nabawasan na naman ang gwafu dito sa earth..hay naku! kung hindi nagiging bading..nagiging john doe. aheks.\m/  

 

missing you

January 22, 2008

have you ever missed someone so much that the thought of that person hurts? you wake up in the morning knowing that the day before is lacking..and then you realized that today wouldn’t be any different.. breathing couldn’t be any harder and your chest is just waiting to explode.. you miss the person so much that you hope for him to make your phone beep.. you hope against hope that things would go back the way they were.. but you know for for a fact that there’s nothing you can really do but to take the next breath until you miss him once more... 

sulat ni nanay at tatay

January 20, 2008

natouch naman aku nung nabasa ko toh..la lang..ehehe. kase mahirap din talagang magalaga ng majojonda lalo na kung nuknukan ng pasaway at arte..hehehe.. (ang sama ko lang) la lang..kaya nga medyo tinamaan ako sa sulat na itey..pakibasa na lang.. \m/ 

Sulat ni Nanay at Tatay

Sa aming pagtanda, unawain at pagpasensyahan mo sana kami, anak. . .

Kung makatapon kami ng sabaw sa hapag kainan
O kaya makabasag ng pinggan
‘Wag mo naman sana kaming kagagalitan
Dala lang yun ng kalabuan ng mata at ng namamanhid naming mga daliri. . .
Pinagalitan ka man sa mga baso’t pinggang iyong nabasag noon bata ka pa,
Iyon ay dahil ayaw naming masugatan ka.

Kung ang mga sinasabi mo’y ‘di maintindihan at madinig
‘Wag mo naman sana kaming sabihan ng "Bingi!"
Humihina na talaga ang aming pandinig
Pakiulit lang nang malakas-lakas na ‘di naman kailangang sigawan
Upang tayo ay magkaunawaan.

Kung mabagal na kaming maglakad at ‘di na makasabay sa mabilis mong paglakad
Pakiantay sana at alalayan—mahihina na ang aming mga tuhod
Alalay na tulad sana nung musmuos ka pa at nag-aaral ka pa lang maglakad
Tuwang tuwa ka naming pinagmamasdan.

Kung minsang makulit at paulit ulit ang aming sinabi na parang sirang plaka,
‘Wag mo sana kaming pagtawanan o kainisan
Ganyan ka rin kakulit noong bata ka pa at nag-iiyak pa–
Kapag nagpapabili ng kung anu ano’y di kami tinitigilan
Hangggang ang gusto mo’y di naibibigay.

Kung kinatatamaran namin na maligo at nag-aamoy lupa na
‘Wag mo naman sanang pandirihan at piliting maligo. . .
Mahina na kasi ang aming katawan pag nalalamigan.
Natatandaan mo ba noong bata ka pa at kahit anung dungis mo
Ay masayang-masaya ka naming hinahalikan
At mat’yagang hinahabol sa ilalim ng kama upang paliguan?

Kung palagi kaming masungit at nagsisisigaw
Dala na siguro ito ng pagkabagot sa bahay
At pagkadismaya na wala nang magawa at wala nang silbi.
Ipadama mo naman sana na may halaga pa rin kami sa mundo mo
Katulad ng pagpapadama namin noon ng pagpapahalaga
At pagtutuwid sa kamalian at katigasan ng iyong ulo.

Kung may konti ka mang panahon mag kwentuhan naman sana tayo. . .
Alam kong abala ka sa hanapbuhay pero sabik na kaming makausap ka.
Gusto kong malaman mo na interesado pa rin kami sa mga kwento mo
Tulad n’ung pagbibida mo sa eskwela noong bata ka pa.
Na kahit pautal utal pa ang salita mo,
Nakikinig kaming masaya tungkol sa iyong mga laruan.

Kung kami man ay maihi o madumi sa higaaan dahil hindi na makabangon
‘Wag mo sanang pagagalitan o pandididrihan.
Katulad ng walang reklamo naming paggising nang kahit anong pagod sa gabi
Upang linisin at palitan ang iyong lampin para maginghawa kang makatulog
Hindi na baling kami ang mapuyat.

Kung kami’y maratay sa banig ng karamdaman
‘Wag mo sanan kaming pagsawaang alagaan
Gaya ng mat’yaga naming pag-aalaga noong musmos ka pa.
Bawat daing mo noon ay hirap na dinadala sa aming kalooban
Pagt’yagaan mo naman sana kaming alagaan sa aming mga huling sandali
Kami naman ay di na rin magtatagal.

AT kapag dumating na ang takdang panahon ng aming pagharap sa Dakilang Lumikha. . .
Ibubulong at hihilingin ko sa Kanya.
Na pagpalain ka dahil naging mapagmahal at maalaga kang anak sa iyong ama’t ina.

kowts! kots! kots!

January 13, 2008

share ko lang mga kowts na sinend din saken today..ü 

 

♥Prayer of the romantically desperate, delusional or merely hopeful,

“Lord, if he’s the one, please let everything fall into place..

but if he isn’t, Lord, pwede bang siya nalang?

 

♥closeness doesnt come when youre together

it comes when youre apart and realize that..

despite not seeing–

you never stop remembering. ;p

 

♣if he acts like you're not worth his time..

maybe you're not what he wants.

you're just a replacement of what he can't have. ouch! ;(

 

♦For the guys:

Treat your girl like a 16-yr old.. let her handle things and

make her feel special.

For the girls:

Treat your guy like a 7-yr old. let him play with his toys

let him hangout with the boys and at the end he'll always

come back to mommy.. ü 

 

♦smooth roads never make good drivers.

smooth seas never make good sailors.

clear skies never make good pilots.

A problem-free life never makes a strong and good person.

Be strong enough to accept the challenges of life.

Dont ask life: WHY ME? instead..TRY ME! ü 

 

♦one sad irony of self is that we always know

what's right for others;

while there are certain wrong things we pursue on our own. 

 

♥Things you don't need to know.. but i'm tellin': ü

*all shrimps are born female, but turns to male as time goes.

so–are they like gay-ish? hmm.

 

*starfishes are pretty but they don't have brains.

so–be offended if someone calls you one.

 

*penguins can only have one mate, they spend almost half of

theyre life luking for their destined partner, then spend the

rest of it with him/her.

so–how sweet is dat?

 

i dunno if you find those amusing? but i do and hope you find your penguin..

truly sweet..♥ 

 

♦you need to feel a bit deprived at times–

a bit lonely.

and in a way, incomplete.

coz if you've got everything here on earth-

would you still look up to heaven?♦

 

♣TANGA/ta-'ngah(noun)

1. isang taong walang alam kundi mangolekta ng kaibigan tapos magrereklamong single sya.

2. lalaking mahilig mambabae tapos nagugulat pa everytime ayaw pagtiwalaan ng girls.

3. ex mong iniwan ka for some chuvaners rison then biglang magpaparamdam ulit after some jurassic years.

4. babaeng ilang beses ng niloko sa pare-parehong dahilan pero di matuto-tuto.

5. magjowang araw araw nag-aaway pero di daw sila maghihiwalay.

 

♦the most tiring thing to do– to think.

the most expensive–to smile.

the hardest to regain–trust

the most painful–loss

the easiest escape–to pretend

the most challenging–to move on.

the bravest thing to do–to love.

the most effective solution–to pray.

God bless! ü 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear blog,

January 7, 2008

Ok, i've been neglecting you. sorry naman. i didn't mean to.. i know i haven't express myself on you in a while..my thoughts have been dull..i  wonder if i was going to be doing what you expect of me..(kung sakaling may expectations ka man?hehe) Alam mo namang walang kakwenta kwenta kong kausap. hehehe. Napaka irresponsible ko lang, ginawa gawa kita tapos iiwan na lang kita sa ere..pasaway. At akalain mo ba yun at gumawa pa ko ng ibang blog…i must be out of my mind. there's no excuse to explain away my neglect of you. You've always been there. steady and faithful as you've always been, but i reward you with infidelity. eh kase, wala lang..ewan ko ba ano naiisip ko. i had even thought of getting rid of you completely.. pero looking back, KAw ang naging takbuhan ko sa mga days na down ako. at yung mga times na wala lang din. i can't express how much i appreciate you open yourself to allow me pour my heart out comfortably, and conveniently..And how you've put up with grammatical errors and my lack of vocabulary and better thoughts to blog..and most of all, how you've given me friends and readers who have been consistent in visiting us and reading posts..Pero nagawa kitang iwan sa ere. i've ignored you and gone to wonder without mentioning..not knowing what you feel about being left alone. left, unattended and unspoken for.. buti na lang hindi ka marunong magtampo..lage ka naman nakakaintindi diba ateng?? hehehe. eh wala lang, ewan ko ba kase at may pablog blog pa kong nalalaman, but i'm keeping you. You've been the first blog to know of my existence. the good, the bad and the ugly me, and my boring, and uninteresting thoughts..and you've still stuck yourself out there, keep me company..so thank you dear..pwomise, i'll try to do better. yun eh, pag inabot ng sipag. hehehe. pasaway talaga. ah basta, basta darna jan ka lang..k?

Repleksyon

January 4, 2008

 

 

Life is funny sometimes and it can push you pretty hard…like when you fall in love with someone and they forget to love you back..

xoxoxo
Sometimes, i wonder, just how much a person can take and how much one heart can take. Another year, another waking moment,and as it turns out, life can push you pretty hard. Last year has been a real struggle. like being lost some place and all you got is your stinking self, a crazy headache, an empty stomach and an empty pocket. And just as you thought you're at your worst, when suddenly you got hit by a bus, so bad, you went on a coma for months,and when you decided you still wanna live, you wake up, with one leg, one arm, and a deformed face. Aw..how do you supposed to go on with life this way? that's tough. and as much as you want to feel sorry for yourself, when you thought that's the worst that could happen? then you realized, like, OMG..you got no health insurance, and youre medical bills along with all the other bills are piling up..Oh darn Jesus..what now? oh well…what can i say..but life is hard. and yea, maybe i was just making some of this things up, but it's not that far fetched that bad things seemed to have a way around. And sometimes, when you've got so much of this bad things going on, you're more prone to lose yourself in a way, because there's a lot of ugly feelings going on as much as you just wanna take it all in..And when you lose your way, you'll think that life is pushing you and pushing you so hard off the edge that you become the worst person that you are. I used to believed that my life sucks and because i think that it is, i found an excuse to be my worst self. but i know now, that this realization is kind of silly.. like i only drag my self deeper in this worst situation instead of trying to get myself out of it. it has never been easy for me to accept that i was doing everything wrong for the past God knows how many years because of this thinking. this year, just like last year and the year before that, and going back as far as i can remember.. life will always seemed to get harder by the day. This maybe true, but i know it's not fair to say that life is all that bad.. if it was, i really really thought that it wasn't entirely my own doing. And i realized how childish i must've been for not owning in to it. but it just seemed important that bad things has to happen to figure it out.. Now, i think that life is supposed to hurt a bit..like it was designed that people go through some of that pain, a little disappointment, a little mistake to find themselves. i've always been hopeful that somewhere between all my struggles, i'll find my way. there's gotta be something good that comes out of it..right? otherwise it's all meaningless…

xoxoxo
And once you lose yourself, you have two choices: find the person you used to be…or lose that person completely.
Because, sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you really are.

 

 

2008!

January 1, 2008

New Year - Glitter Graphics

Glitter Graphics for Hi5, Orkut, Myspace, Friendster