♥the ache in my heart..♥

last night i was having the usual late night chismis over the phone with a girl friend, while also on-line doing friendster updates, when i stumbled on my ex’s profile..my mind went completely and totally mad..my heart kind of went totally loopy as well when i found out about the news. good news for someone i used to love and hate, not so good of a news for me. oh well..At first, it was ok, i was acting a little jealous and bitter. but i was joking.. it wasn’t supposed to sound like i still cared, or whatever, but when i got off the phone, it suddenly hit me. i went hysterical at one point, kinda like i was having a mental breakdown and then my mind went blank for seconds, and went right back with an unexpected emotional turn..tears form behind my eyes for reasons that i can’t seemed to figure out.. i can’t talk my self out of it, i was having all these confusing emotions,so i called my bff and told her about it..we talked for hours and she was telling me it was only natural, that i’d still feel hurt after ages of being left unspoken for, but i was,, with all my fervent expectations, just disappointed with how i felt. Until later on, that i realized i was just being my usual impulsive self, i over-reacted about the news, but much to my surprize, although it does sucks, i was happy for him. it’s just that, from how we left things off, everything was just confusing.. even i had wondered, why after three years of being apart, and totally hating each other, i’d still get hurt..that i’d still care. and i really thought that, maybe i hadn’t really completely let him go..and why it kills me that I still miss him, even though in hindsight, I know he was all wrong for me..It’s a good thing my bestfriend knows me better than i know myself..she told me that i just haven’t reach a mental closure of us..it’s really complicated and that’s how i find myself dwelling in the past. This dwelling might be my mind’s way of attempting to make some sense of a situation that may make no sense at all..i was, if not so often, allowing myself to think of him, and think about how we used to be, the “what ifs” continually bombarded my mind taking it down dead end roads. Over and over i just find myself where i started – no closure– in sight. so that was all it was.. that i moved on without mental closure..and that’s how it gets confusing..i can’t help it if i’m acting like a jealous bitch?? i mean, when i see the way he lives,when i think about the life i could’ve given him..and the life that i have right now, specially now that it has been a little hard on me..i can’t accept that he’s doing pretty darn good without me, while i’m being unlucky these days..argh!! kakabitter diba.. i hate that things are going too well for him..it should’ve been me..la lang..hehehe..it’s kind of immature..but lets be honest, sometimes the hardest part in life is being happy for somebody else..the ache is something that takes your breath away..and that made sense to me..Apart from the fact that were not even friends anymore, we never talk to each other for years..and i’ve been dying to know if he ever thinks about a better way we could’ve ended us..maybe, it doesn’t matter anymore, but if this may be all that we are..there will always be an ache in my heart that i can only guess an explanation for..but you know, that’s just life right?? you lose some, you win some..and you get over it..

oh well..

since i’ve been left hangin’ forever..i don’t have any particularly good way to come to the close of things except maybe to thank the asshole for the memories…i’ll never forget it, and i hope he feels the same..lol!

~*♥~*♥~*~ 

note to self: You should just learn to let go. And I’m not talking about the person who sent my world spinning, I’m thinking about control..if you’re going through hell..just keep going..feel the sting, it’s suppose to hurt, but you get up and you continue breathing..♥